Good News, I’m not Dying from Breast Cancer.

For the last week and a half I thought otherwise.

 

Most of this is what I wrote in my journal Friday, April 23rd, 2010 at 12:00 p.m. as I waited:

I am sitting here nervously and anxiously waiting to hear the results of my biopsy to find out if I have breast cancer or not. I was told I would know the results by Friday morning and it is now noon and I have heard no word about it. On April 14th I went to the gynecologist. I tried to tell myself it was a routine yearly check-up. A month earlier I had noticed a bump on my breast and thought it would be best to get it looked at. I thought the doctor would check the lump and with her knowledge tell me that it was nothing to worry about it, but she didn’t. She felt it and then immediately told me that I would need a mammogram and probably ultrasounds. I was shocked and scared. I couldn’t believe what she was telling me. The nurse scheduled the mammogram for the next week. I left and called Stephen from the car crying over the unthinkable possibility that I could have cancer. I was devastated and have remained that way for most of the week.

The week leading up to the mammogram was the loneliest, saddest week I have ever experienced. I have spent the week consumed with the anxiety of the what the mammogram could discover. My mind has gone back and forth from the dread of breast cancer to anger at the “stupid” doctor for making a big deal about a little bump. This week has been so lonely because I haven’t told anyone other than Stephen. I didn’t want to worry others, especially my mother until I knew what I was facing.

This week has been so sad because I know there is a real possibility that it is cancer. I have a family history of breast cancer. My aunt Mitzi died of it last year. She was diagnosed with it at age 42. But when they found it had already metastasized and was in her spine, so that means that she probably had the cancer for a while before they discovered it. Through treatments they were able to stop the cancer for nine years. But it came back and within months took her life. Of course, I don’t want the same fate.

As surreal as facing cancer is, I keep on remembering all the people I have known who have had cancer, survived cancer or died from cancer. I know people get cancer. I know sad and bad things happen to people even when it doesn’t seem right or fair. After all, my reality is that my dad died of cancer leaving my mom a widow at age 33 with five kids ages nine to one month old.  I don’t want the same for my family.

My sadness is mostly in the fact that I don’t want to leave my daughters without a mother. Every night when I sing them lullabies, I cry through the songs because I think of how my time with them could be ending.

After a miserable week of waiting, I went in for the mammogram on Wednesday, April 21. I stayed at radiology all morning feeling very overwhelmed and out of place. After the first set of mammogram scans the radiologist looked them over and then ordered more scans from different angles and at different intensities to be performed. In all they performed over 10 different mammograms scans. He then had me go in for an ultrasound. The radiologist then came in and explained he found three abnormalities in my breast. He then told me that he was going to need to biopsy the area. After numbing and sticking an eight inch probe in my breast he removed 6 different 1/2 inch samples. He then injected a titanium “marker” in my breast for future reference on mammograms or for surgery if the the tissue needs to be removed. They then sent me back for more mammograms to make sure they biopsied the right area.

I left the hospital surprisingly more at peace than I had been all week. The next morning I woke around 3 a.m. unable to sleep and began thinking more about my mortality. I resigned myself to follow God’s will for me. I knew God loved me and I loved him and I would follow willingly his desire for me. In that moment I came experience a great calming peace. I was in God’s hands and if dealing with and possibly dying from breast cancer is part of the plan for my life, then so be it. I am at peace that I am in God’s hands. I want to live, but I want to live the life and experiences God designed for me. I want to be faithful and believing in all things.

This experience of thinking very deeply about my mortality has changed me. I hope forever. I finally feel how important my family is. I finally feel how and why I need to treat all mankind with pure love. It has made me gentler. It has made me more conscious of each moment. It has made me more aware of living. God is merciful and provides in all things. Let God’s will be done. I will happily follow. I may still cry. They are tears of sorrow, but not of fear.

. . . . .

After finishing writing this in my journal it took me about an hour on the phone calling the hospital and leaving messages with both of my doctors before I got a call back from the radiologist with the results. My heart stopped as I waited for him to tell me. He said it was benign and through tears I said “thank you, thank you.” He then told me because there are abnormalities in that breast they want to monitor it. So, the plan is that I go in for mammograms every six months.  Again, I see how merciful God is. Even though this experience has been heart breaking I was made aware of a cancerous possibility I have and now I am able to have it monitored and taken care of before it becomes a great danger.

I am so thankful it was not cancer, but I am so thankful that I could go through this extremely trying experience. I am thankful He let me bawl my heart out. I thank Him for letting me feel great sorrow and fear and teaching me that through the saddest experiences He is there to provide peace and understanding. I hope I value my life more. May I enjoy my daughters more fully. May I cherish my marriage more. May I be more kind to others. May I always trust that God will provide. I feel as if my heart has changed for the better.

. . . . .

                Just happy for life.

We celebrated that night by going to one of my favorite restaurants, Art City Trolley in Springville.

Eva and Stephen happy to hear the good news.

Do you wanta come?

Dear (female) friends, some of you have expressed an interest in going and seeing Stephen in “Singing in the Rain.” I want to offer an open invitation to join me to go see it on Thursday, April 8th. If you are like me, then you probably have a desire and good intentions about going out and doing things, but the hassle of getting a babysitter and then paying for her, makes staying home seem more desirable. If you would like to join me, then the babysitter problem is solved, dad. Leave him and home with the kids and have a fun night at the theater. I already have a small group of friends going and seeing it with me and would love for more to come too, the more the merrier. If you already have plans to see it as a family or as a couple, then by all means go and enjoy the show.

The show starts at 7:30 p.m. and costs $10 a ticket. You can buy tickets at www.lehicityarts.org or at the door. If you would like to join me then email me and let me know.

-Jeana

See Stephen in “Singing in the Rain”

Lehi City’s production of “Singing in the Rain” runs March 25th- April 10th, excluding Tuesday and Wednesday nights. Mally and I went last Friday and LOVED it. It was a great production and so much fun to see Stephen acting, dancing, and being super cheesy. I recommend it to anyone. It makes a great date night or take your kids, I know Mally loved. She is still singing the songs. And if you show your ticket at Wingers either before or after the show you get a free appetizer.

I loved what Stephen’s sister said about seeing Stephen perform. She said, “I loved watching a community play – knowing everyone up there was probably a lot like Stephen. By the way, I don’t know if anyone else had the same thought, but I couldn’t help but think that Stephen would make a really good Woody, from Toy Story, the big smile and big eyes, along with his long legs and arms. Really Stephen – if they ever make that into a play I think you should get the lead role.”

The show starts at 7:30 p.m. You can order tickets online at www.lehicityarts.org or at the door for $10 per person. The show is at the Partyland Center, 310 N. 850 East, Lehi near Wingers.

Here’s what the Daily Herald had to say about it. http://heraldextra.com/news/local/north/lehi/article_f9148569-b28c-54ac-a7d2-ebdde5877846.html

Super Soft Chocolate Chip Cookies

I got this recipe from my sister-in-law Alicia Mickelson. She is a great cook and quite the expert on baking and cake decorating. If she recommends a recipe you know it’s good. This recipe makes very soft and chewy cookies, just the way I like them. The special ingredient is a lot of baking soda, 1 tablespoon full! The cookies do have a slightly different taste, a hint of salty baking soda, but I like it. I decrease the salt from 1/2 tsp. to 1/4 tsp. to compensate for the saltiness. Wet ingredients:
2 cubes butter
2 eggs
1 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup white sugar
2 tsp. vanilla
Dry ingredients:
3 cups flour
1 T. baking soda (That’s right. This makes them very soft cookies)
1/4 tsp. salt
chocolate chips (the more the merrier)
Bake at 350 for 9-10 minutes.
Enjoy!

Mark Your Calendars Again.

Stephen's show "Singing in the Rain" opens March 25th and runs until April 10th. You can get your tickets at http://www.lehicityarts.org/ It should be a great performance. "Singing in the Rain" is such a fun show anyways, now you get to enjoy watching Stephen in it. I know I'm excited to go.

That's a Wrap!

As an exercise (or mental therapy) to help me process what I just experienced, I thought I would write my feelings about being a part "An Evening with Joseph and Emma." Mostly, this is going to be my random thoughts.

When auditions for “An Evening with Joseph and Emma” were announced from the pulpit at church I felt like they were speaking directly to me. I knew I needed to be a part of this production. I didn't think I was an obvious choice for Emma. I knew I didn't look the part. When I made call backs I prayed that the right woman would get the part. Kind of hoping that woman wasn't me. I thought I already had a testimony of Emma's divine and supportive role in the Restoration. And I thought some other woman could benefit from playing the role of Emma.

Little did I understand how much my love and testimony of Emma would grow and how much I needed to grow. This has truly been a challenging and growing experience for me. It has been challenging on so many levels. Ironically, I found that some of my struggles were ones that the Lord cautioned Emma about. In Doctrine and Covenants 25:14 he warns her "to beware of pride." Oh, I wrestled with this one. I constantly found myself becoming defensive and prideful when the director would tell me what to do. Imagine that, a director directing and telling and actress what to do. The nerve of that man! I know I am childish and found myself reacting just as my four-year-old does when I ask her to do something. Mostly, I think it was my own insecurities coming out. These insecurities caused me to have an emotional breakdown about once a week throughout the course of this show. Man, I struggled with so many things about this play: learning the difficult rhythms in the music, memorizing lines perfectly, and certainly not least of all, was having to hug, and act like I was in love with someone else. I'm a happily married woman after all.

Even though I really struggled with myself and overcoming my weaknesses, I always felt like I was the right woman for the role. I came to see how the Lord began preparing me for this role last year. Last year at this time, I was teaching Gospel Doctrine and one of the lessons was about husbands and wives. Since we were studying the Doctrine and Covenants the lesson used the example of Emma and Joseph. While preparing I felt very strongly that I needed to focus the lesson more heavily on Emma. I dove into research about her. What I shared in that lesson was just a slice of what I learned and came to understand about her. Also, about that time I was invited to perform with ladies from my mission in a musical readers' theater about the organization of the Relief Society. Being a part of it reignited my love for performing and early church history. I then decided to start volunteering at This is the Place Heritage Park again. Last summer I also read "History of Joseph Smith by his Mother" (I recommend it to anyone. I LOVE this book. It's the best account of his life). Also, I know I was being prepared for this role through my mission in Nauvoo and all that I learned and experienced there.

This is my favorite line from the play, "And that the Lord always hears our cries. Though at times, our patience may be tried to the very edge of endurance." I love this line because I feel this so often. Through the course of this play and all the struggles I had, I knew the Lord heard my cries, but was allowing me to go through the trials and exercise my faith so that I could grow.

I felt honored and overwhelmed to play the role of Emma. I hope I justly portrayed Emma’s love and faithfulness to the Lord and Joseph and Emma’s vital role in the restoration of the Gospel. One of the songs was called "All that I Am." The first time I sang through it my understanding of Emma changed for forever. The song tells that the Lord called Emma to serve Joseph and comfort and support him. I came to realize that Emma faithfully lived her purpose in life. She was called to be "a comfort unto my servant, Joseph Smith, Jun., thy husband, in his afflictions, with consoling words, in the spirit of meekness" (Doctrine and Covenants 25:5). Her supportive role to Joseph was a necessary part in the Restoration. She did just as the Lord asked her and any that misjudge her are in error.

These past two+ months have been busy but thanks to loved ones we were helped along. I couldn't have done it without my mother-in-law, Sherry and mother, Cheryl for countless nights watching my girls so I could go to practice. Knowing my girls were cared for made going out the door each night stress free. I am so thankful for inspired friends that called to check up on me and let me vent and cry to them. I thank these friends for their encouragement and advice. And of course, I thank Stephen. He supported me with his patience, kindness, understanding and love. Truly, it wasn't until after receiving a priesthood blessing from him that my emotional breakdowns stopped. His blessing finally gave me the comfort and peace I needed.

Thanks to all of you that came to show. I hope you felt the spirit of the show. The writer and composer, Randy Lee Rowley, did an amazingly inspired job with this musical. The account is completely historically accurate. The music is beautiful and so touching. I am so glad I was a part of it.

Joseph (Nate Brown) and Emma (me)

My mom and me. Maybe she's who I got my dark hair from?

The whole cast

It's Showtime!!!

Why of all days did I wake up with a sore throat today??? I have been surprised with how healthy I have stayed throughout these two months of late night practices, but today of all days is not the right day to have a sore throat. I guess I have a lot of honey and cayenne pepper water to slurp. I hope to see you at the performance tonight. I am REALLY excited about it.