Good News, I’m not Dying from Breast Cancer.

For the last week and a half I thought otherwise.

 

Most of this is what I wrote in my journal Friday, April 23rd, 2010 at 12:00 p.m. as I waited:

I am sitting here nervously and anxiously waiting to hear the results of my biopsy to find out if I have breast cancer or not. I was told I would know the results by Friday morning and it is now noon and I have heard no word about it. On April 14th I went to the gynecologist. I tried to tell myself it was a routine yearly check-up. A month earlier I had noticed a bump on my breast and thought it would be best to get it looked at. I thought the doctor would check the lump and with her knowledge tell me that it was nothing to worry about it, but she didn’t. She felt it and then immediately told me that I would need a mammogram and probably ultrasounds. I was shocked and scared. I couldn’t believe what she was telling me. The nurse scheduled the mammogram for the next week. I left and called Stephen from the car crying over the unthinkable possibility that I could have cancer. I was devastated and have remained that way for most of the week.

The week leading up to the mammogram was the loneliest, saddest week I have ever experienced. I have spent the week consumed with the anxiety of the what the mammogram could discover. My mind has gone back and forth from the dread of breast cancer to anger at the “stupid” doctor for making a big deal about a little bump. This week has been so lonely because I haven’t told anyone other than Stephen. I didn’t want to worry others, especially my mother until I knew what I was facing.

This week has been so sad because I know there is a real possibility that it is cancer. I have a family history of breast cancer. My aunt Mitzi died of it last year. She was diagnosed with it at age 42. But when they found it had already metastasized and was in her spine, so that means that she probably had the cancer for a while before they discovered it. Through treatments they were able to stop the cancer for nine years. But it came back and within months took her life. Of course, I don’t want the same fate.

As surreal as facing cancer is, I keep on remembering all the people I have known who have had cancer, survived cancer or died from cancer. I know people get cancer. I know sad and bad things happen to people even when it doesn’t seem right or fair. After all, my reality is that my dad died of cancer leaving my mom a widow at age 33 with five kids ages nine to one month old.  I don’t want the same for my family.

My sadness is mostly in the fact that I don’t want to leave my daughters without a mother. Every night when I sing them lullabies, I cry through the songs because I think of how my time with them could be ending.

After a miserable week of waiting, I went in for the mammogram on Wednesday, April 21. I stayed at radiology all morning feeling very overwhelmed and out of place. After the first set of mammogram scans the radiologist looked them over and then ordered more scans from different angles and at different intensities to be performed. In all they performed over 10 different mammograms scans. He then had me go in for an ultrasound. The radiologist then came in and explained he found three abnormalities in my breast. He then told me that he was going to need to biopsy the area. After numbing and sticking an eight inch probe in my breast he removed 6 different 1/2 inch samples. He then injected a titanium “marker” in my breast for future reference on mammograms or for surgery if the the tissue needs to be removed. They then sent me back for more mammograms to make sure they biopsied the right area.

I left the hospital surprisingly more at peace than I had been all week. The next morning I woke around 3 a.m. unable to sleep and began thinking more about my mortality. I resigned myself to follow God’s will for me. I knew God loved me and I loved him and I would follow willingly his desire for me. In that moment I came experience a great calming peace. I was in God’s hands and if dealing with and possibly dying from breast cancer is part of the plan for my life, then so be it. I am at peace that I am in God’s hands. I want to live, but I want to live the life and experiences God designed for me. I want to be faithful and believing in all things.

This experience of thinking very deeply about my mortality has changed me. I hope forever. I finally feel how important my family is. I finally feel how and why I need to treat all mankind with pure love. It has made me gentler. It has made me more conscious of each moment. It has made me more aware of living. God is merciful and provides in all things. Let God’s will be done. I will happily follow. I may still cry. They are tears of sorrow, but not of fear.

. . . . .

After finishing writing this in my journal it took me about an hour on the phone calling the hospital and leaving messages with both of my doctors before I got a call back from the radiologist with the results. My heart stopped as I waited for him to tell me. He said it was benign and through tears I said “thank you, thank you.” He then told me because there are abnormalities in that breast they want to monitor it. So, the plan is that I go in for mammograms every six months.  Again, I see how merciful God is. Even though this experience has been heart breaking I was made aware of a cancerous possibility I have and now I am able to have it monitored and taken care of before it becomes a great danger.

I am so thankful it was not cancer, but I am so thankful that I could go through this extremely trying experience. I am thankful He let me bawl my heart out. I thank Him for letting me feel great sorrow and fear and teaching me that through the saddest experiences He is there to provide peace and understanding. I hope I value my life more. May I enjoy my daughters more fully. May I cherish my marriage more. May I be more kind to others. May I always trust that God will provide. I feel as if my heart has changed for the better.

. . . . .

                Just happy for life.

We celebrated that night by going to one of my favorite restaurants, Art City Trolley in Springville.

Eva and Stephen happy to hear the good news.